The Tokopedia Headline I Should Have Written
They have big budgets, big teams, and big data. But this headline feels like it was written at 3 AM before a deadline. I break down why, and write the version that should have been.
Alan Sjahputra
Copywriter · 7 years of structured frustration
The original headline
I won't quote it exactly for legal reasons, but you've seen it. It was on billboards, in apps, across social media. It tried to be clever and ended up being confusing.
What went wrong
The headline tried to do three things at once: be witty, communicate a promo, and build brand personality. When you try to do three things in eight words, you usually accomplish zero.
The wordplay required cultural context that not everyone shares
The promo details were buried in the subtext
The brand voice felt forced, like a dad trying to use slang
My rewrite
I'd strip it down to one job: make the promo unmissable. Save the personality for the body copy where you have room to breathe.
The best headlines don't try to be clever. They try to be clear. Cleverness is a bonus, not a requirement.
Sometimes the bravest creative decision is to be simple.
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